My brother comes bursting into my room, announcing that he’s getting married tonight through the phone, because this hot girl he’s been flirting with at Planet Fitness for months decided she couldn’t live without him as her husband. I followed him back to his room, flabbergasted by the news and wondering how this is possible, since he has a girlfriend in Asia right now? Facing his iMac, he continues with the modern-day method of marriage as my mom comes prancing into the room, receiving calls of congratulations from family in America as well as Asia. As she leaves the room to accept another call, his girlfriend from half the world away enters, holding a multitude of items my brother has given her and returning it to him. She’s yelling obscenities that I have yet to understand at my brother, who says sorry with a grin. Typical boy.
Then I woke up from the dream. But is reality that much different? My brother wants to marry a girl he has yet to meet. In the world of unprecedented technology, it’s not that unseemly, is it? But my brother’s been married — to another Asian in 2009, failing in 2011. In 2013, he was courting another girl from Asia that was studying over here, but her mother was lesbian for my mother and she herself was a craze-pot. Now, after less than a year of talking, he’s chosen another Asian girl who he wishes to meet in April in Asia for the first time. Though there’s little doubt they’d get along (since they already are using phrases like “in love”), the family is preparing to travel to Asia in July for a wedding. I dread the thought.
It’s not that I don’t love going back to my parents’ homeland, but to me, it’s not home.
Let me introduce myself. I was born in Midwest America to two Asian immigrants who were all-but-done having children, already producing life to 5 others before me. It’s the curse of a devout Catholic
family mother. Needless to say, she got her tubes tied after I crawled out.
Despite being raised together, the whole family is the epitome of a modern-day sitcom family (not the Partridge/Brady Bunch variety, think more Ray Barone). Everyone has their own character, own personality and hardly any overlap (generalisations excluded). In easiest format, I’ll give you the bullet points.
- My father is a former Navy Seal that can strike both fear and laughter to any person, depending if he liked you. Despite being in his mid-60s, the family’s branded him somewhat senile. He’s a man’s man — in the way that Tim Allen from Home Improvement is, with the common occurrence of falls, electrocutions, and other accidents.
- My mother is an over-zealous Catholic with strong opinions, will and kick (she once taught Tae Kwon Do). She manages the family’s money and most of the family’s lives. She’s very short-tempered, which led to the family joke that my mother wouldn’t last a minute in the show “Boiling Point.”
- Dorothy (Eldest) is married to a military man, which
wasis her fetish since Junior High. She has the reputation in the family of being lazy, moody, hefty and never carrying out with anything; however, to the general public, she’s a doll.
- Blanche (2nd Eldest) is a moody divorced lawyer that recently developed a fondness of duck-facing in her Tindr moments. She is a sports fanatic and enjoys the luxurious things in life; however, her history in men are, obviously, an encyclopaedia of losers.
- Rose (Middle) is constantly mistaken as the youngest child because her mind is of that: a child. She’s scared of disappointing my
parentsmother to the degree that she doesn’t want to drive (fear of car accidents), marry (fear of a disappointing husband), and generally be away from my mother for longer than 3 days.
- Joey (2nd Youngest) is a typical horny boy in his late-20s. He’s intent on marrying and producing heirs to his make-believe throne since, in Asian tradition, the eldest boy is the only child that matters. He loves to find things out about the other siblings and report them back to mother, which led to countless awkward lectures from her throughout my childhood.
Then there’s me — Hermes. I take my advantages when I see them, resulting in a thorough college education, endless connections on LinkedIn, and a number of pretty items in my room. Conversations with me includes lots of sass, perspective and comfortably. My biggest secret is also the secret I don’t mind sharing, if I actually knew you.
I’m gay. And I’m not ashamed of it. But that’s not all I am. I rather be known for my personality, my talents, my skills or even my looks before I’m just plainly known as ‘gay.’ This ‘big secret’ is only a ‘secret’ to my family, who either refuse to believe it or are waiting for my official statement to them, which will never come. Knowing my large Catholic family, it would be a personal embarrassment, shame and humiliation to each of them if I came out clean about my love life publicly. I’ll be wiped from the family faster than Sirius Black on the Black family tree without a single thought — ignored, vanished, nonexistent.
Eventually (and inevitably), I’ll have to throw my family into the harsh reality of my love life. I’ve been in a committed relationship with Perseus since 2010. Though there are many struggles between us, mainly since we’re not physically near each other since he lives in Wales, we are truly in love and been planning for the future.
And so I write this blog in code (sisters’ names made in reference to Golden Girls characters they portray, and brother’s name to the Friends’ character he portrays). And I write anonymously. Nevertheless, it’s for your enjoyment and pleasure (as well as a psychological relief for myself).
I hope you enjoy the tales of my life and the sass I gladly give to them.