** This will be the first installment of my shorter blog posts about topics I had been inspired by through life experiences, movies or general conversations with people. They aren’t information-heavy, but purely thought-provoking. Future similar posts will be under Categories/Tags: Blog Shorts.
After quietly exiting Phoenix’s house, I pulled out the driveway and started the long drive back home (which, in my Midwest state, takes 30 minutes). We had just had one of our ‘after school hangouts,’ which obviously included lots of snogging and penetration. Given, the activities we engaged in were strenuous and perhaps physically exhausting, but it’s child’s play compared to the mental repercussions that strains in me after the fact.
It’s not that I’m traumatized by what I did or saw, or that Phoenix made me do something I didn’t really want to do. But Phoenix was my first. “First what?” You name it. Phoenix and I took Homosexual Sex Ed 101 together, using each other as live dummies. Phoenix had one up on me, though, where he had exchanged blowjobs with another guy and he had been in relationships with girls before (not physical, though).
Before Phoenix, my only relationships was with Satch (all online) and FancyPants (which didn’t get physical). But I’ve done stuff with other people before, just nothing too extreme and it was more between friends than anything serious. I didn’t know dating etiquette, or playing coy, or how to properly flirt, or generally have any game. (And quite honestly, I still don’t.)
But out of the several times I took that drive of shame from Phoenix’s house, I always had this impulse, this urge, this ITCH that’s begging to be satisfied by me sending Phoenix a text.
That was fun. We should do it again sometime 😉
After the first couple of times, he took a while to reply if at all. I started to get the hint that he didn’t like to text after our ‘hangouts,’ but with 30 minutes to drive home down mostly one street alone with only the radio to keep occupy the otherwise white noise, I always HAD TO send him that courtesy text.
Maybe it is the way I was raised. I grew up saying Thank You, calling my friends’ parents “Mr. and Mrs.“, holding the doors opened for the elderly and hugging any familiar adult. Even now, I send snail mail Christmas cards to my friends and/or my friends’ family, and shake hands during introductions and departing with new people. So obviously, to me, sending a tactful alternative to “Thanks for the fuck, lets bang again soon” is proper etiquette and hospitality manners.
But I’ve seen enough RomComs and Sex and the City episodes that I know I was coming off too strong, perhaps even CLINGY. If a guy called the girl back right after a good date, it’s seen as cute and romantic. If the guy called right after a fuck, it’s seen as clingy. If they had waited a couple of days before calling after either, they’re seen as uninterested, only wanting to fuck or as a jackass for making them wait that long to get back to them and making the girl even consider calling the guy first. It’s a double-edged sword if you think of it this way — the pessimistic way.
However, I should have known that Phoenix was the sort that would rather have a few days off from communicating after our hangout sessions. But to me, we had just engaged in one of the most intimate things we could possibly do wither another person and I can’t just shrug it off. I had to tell them that it was nice, that I hope to do it again, and that we are still on good terms.
In knowing this now, I think I should have found it as a sign from Phoenix that it wasn’t going to last long. There are things that relationships can handle, and I am a true believer that opposites attract, but some things are actually incompatible and these incompatibilities are different dependent on the people involved. Each relationship has their deal breakers.
For example, two lawyers may be incompatible because of their polar-extreme political views; however, they could be compatible if the views are utilized in their passion to debate with each other. Or Romeo and Juliet may be incompatible because of their family ties; however, they were compatible because they’re both rebellious and good-looking?
For Phoenix and I, we were very compatible under the sheets. Even if we lost our V-Cards to each other, we both have talked about how we had a weird chemistry together in all sexual activities we engaged even after a number of other exploits. However, in looking back at Phoenix, there’s more than enough to deem him as incompatible for me. He and I differed in our importance of communication, in our idea of financing, and in our lifestyles as a gay man, among other things.
In Perseus, I have finally found my compatible partner in life. Along with the intense sexual chemistry, he and I generally agree on my personal deal breakers (mostly because he leaves it up to me to decide most aspects in life). Of course, Perseus has some differing opinions, but they are either not deal breakers or he’s flexible in those matters. I haven’t met a boy that I have had so much fun, so much love for, so little to complain about until I met Perseus.
When did I finally realize that Perseus was the one for me? After his mother and he walked me to the train station, waited for me to board the train and saw me take off for the last time in the summer 2012, I texted Perseus, “I miss you already. I love you.”
Seconds later, Perseus texted back.
I love you more.
I’m just laying here in bed. I can still smell you here.
I’ll be hugging Dino.