Blog Short: The Reluctance of Saying “Yes”

The Story of Boob

My BFF Boob has been engaged for over a year with her live-in boyfriend, Adam. They had moved away together after graduating college to Indianapolis and had decent jobs there and felt comfortable with each other to the point of even getting a dog together. I never met the guy, but her family had given him the stamp of approval and he seems to be decent enough — even to the point of being the one to add me on Facebook and LinkedIn! Adam occasionally ‘hearts’ my Instagram photos and Boob seemed happy enough to be with him.

But a few weeks after the proposal, Boob and I were having a texting conversation when she sent the text saying,

Am I a bad person if I don’t want to get married?

Now really, my BFF isn’t as terrible as it sounds. She’s not saying she doesn’t want to take the plunge, or want to wait for better offers to come. Boob goes on to explain that she doesn’t want a big wedding ceremony, that she does think that marriage is a big step and that the engagement ring is commitment enough for her. She’s happy how things are and can’t imagine it being any better, even if they did get married.

Is Boob’s feelings the same as my other friends? Or is it the same as ‘my generation’ in general?


The Trends within Friends

For gays such as myself (low-maintenance, distant-relationship ridden), I relate to Boob’s feelings on relationships. Perseus and I have been together for nearly 6 years and we both wear rings of commitment, but we have a far leap until we say our vows and I think both of us are just happy where we are for now.

However, though my age is a highly guarded secret that must not be spoken aloud, at 26 years old, all my heterosexual friends are getting married and/or having children. Tinker has officially reserved her wedding reception venue for July 1st with her boyfriend of 5 years. Paris’ little boy is 4 years old, having been married for 2.5 years. About half of Boob and my graduating high school class are either married or with children, with another fourth engaged or common-law’ed. Given, our graduating class was about 60 students — it sounds like better in statistics.

Despite these facts, having official engagements and marriages somehow hold a special stigma that some people would rather live without. With Tinker, she’s almost secretly getting married as she’s never officially had a proposal, doesn’t have a public engagement ring and hasn’t announced it on Facebook. And then there are situations like with Roxie, where she’s practically pressuring her boyfriend to propose to her, not-so-secretly planning the wedding in front of him.

Even recently, I ran into my old best friend from high school Ravi at a restaurant. She’s been in a relationship with her boyfriend for 7 years, living with him for at least 5 of them and now they’re moving over near another university for her boyfriend to attend law school. I looked down and saw she had many rings on, so I asked her if he’d “put a ring on it” yet and she half-giggled and replied, “Oh, no…” Knowing Ravi, I’m not that surprised because, like Boob and I, we’re not terribly caught up in such things.


My Ending Thoughts

I always thought that marriage for gay couples was something to not really care about. I didn’t think it was important when I was with my exes and thought it was normal to just live life as a horny teenager through my adulthood, screwing everything that peaks my interest. “Marriage is a joke,” I’d think, just like how gay marriage was treated amongst these three. But then I met Perseus.

Threesome Couple

Honestly, I do want to get married to Perseus almost ASAP just because I’m at that point in my life that I’m ready to take the plunge. I wasn’t aware that we could pull a “40 day fiancée” situation for him, where he would have a temporary visa until we’re officially married in America. To me, it was almost like a ‘when you meet the right person, it’d feel right,’ but that’s a blanketed statement that covers too much ground.

In Boob’s situation, I don’t think she’s a bad person. Boob doesn’t want to see other people, to have more social freedom to talk to whomever she wants or wants to extend her individuality — she just doesn’t think that she needs her vows and a piece of paper to verify her love with Adam.

game-of-thrones-mean-girls-gif-10

If Adam and Boob sort out all their official paperwork (such as insurance, bank accounts, power of attorney, living will) and they’re happy with those, then I can’t see why there would be any issue.

I don’t think that because Boob doesn’t feel the urgent need to marry Adam means that Adam isn’t the right person or that Boob doesn’t love Adam. Boob just doesn’t want the headache, which I personally am all-in-for because she’s expressed just having a ‘destination wedding’, which would just be ‘destination’ if we dropped the wedding!

Marriage is a scary word. Judge Judy’s always yelling at people who “play house together without the benefit of marriage,” but I believe more and more of my generation is seeing it as an unnecessary “benefit.”

I think that if you’re comfortable with the love you have already, you shouldn’t change it. Just take the necessary steps to allow you the benefits you would want to have between each other, like whether you want them to decide to keep you on life support or whose last name would the children have.

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