What Is This Feeling?: The Rocky Road Through My First Gay Crush

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Every gay guy gets asked this. And often, they don’t have an answer.

What sort of questions would instill a sense of speechlessness from a gay individual?

Did you always know you’re gay?
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Honestly, I am somewhat disappointed that none of my friends have questioned me on this topic. But it’s not like I would volunteer this sort of information to any old person (besides you, my readers, of course).

As with all, if not most, gay men, I didn’t come out of the vajayjay knowing I’d never see one again. Like most human beings of our evolutionary level, I also don’t quite remember my babyhood and whether or not I had attraction to other boys or men as a baby. However, looking back into what I remember, there were definite signs of my sexuality throughout my childhood.

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As a kid, I didn’t really understand my feelings towards other guys. I knew that there were feelings, but I didn’t know if they were of admiration, of attraction or if I wanted to be like them. Either way, I found myself being strongly influenced by them, wanting to always be around them or sit by them, and find reasons for any physical contact with them.

Now, I won’t say that my experiences when I was younger are common among all gay guys. In fact, I would think my experiences are very rare — an outlier from all experiences, homosexual or heterosexual. I was a pretty confused and messed up kid.

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Now, being the youngest of 5 children gave me access to a little eye-candy, but not so much because none of my sisters (knowingly) dated and my brother and I were the youngest of the 5. However, in our martial arts class, I had a couple of guys I kept in my scope. In particular, I found these two brothers very attractive when I was young. My family compared them to “Justin” and “JC” from N SYNC. My mother always joked around that Justin should date my sister Blanche, but I never really did find out if that took off or not. And honestly, I didn’t care because I’m very much a JC fan, both the real N SYNC member and the doppelgänger. As I’ve stated, though, I didn’t quite understand if I looked up to them, or wanted to be like them but I knew I had a feeling towards them.

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My first real crush established of my own accord would have to be on Rocky. Rocky and I’ve known each other since bible school and he was known as the ‘class jock’, only because he was involved in all the sports at a young age. It’s not like he didn’t look the part though, with a V-shape abdomen and developed hand-eye coordination for our age.  With an elementary class of 30, there wasn’t a lot to choose from and I just found myself having feelings for him.

In my Catholic elementary school in the 90’s, our playground crushes were very innocent and we didn’t really know how to address them correctly. Even in the 6th grade, the whole school found it disgusting when 2 of our classmates were caught making out in the janitor’s closet. Sex wasn’t an unknown topic to us, but anything related to sex (the actual act, kissing, or even holding hands with the opposite sex) was either a joke to us or something that naughty people do with each other. So obviously, I didn’t even know how to address my feelings for Rocky. But it didn’t keep me from trying.

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My very off-color first attempt to realize what feelings I had for Rocky took place in the 1st grade. I truly, swear-to-God did not understand my feelings at the time and I had thought that I wanted to be more like Rocky. As we lined up to go out to play on the black top parking lot of my elementary school, I found myself right behind Rocky. I didn’t act awkward around him or flirted with him — actually, before the 3rd grade, I was a very quiet, shy kid that nobody bothered but thought was nice and cool enough. But it’s always the quiet ones you have to watch out for.

I don’t know what came over me, but I had thought that if I came in contact with Rocky, then some of what I thought was cool about him would brush on me. Maybe I’d be better at playing sports, or be more attractive or something. And so at that moment, on some sort of “Go Big or Go Home” mindset, I pulled my zipper down and rubbed my dick on Rocky’s coat. It was a scratchy surface, but I remember making sure my knob rubbed up against that winter coat.

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Apparently, how I thought things worked back then.

This memory plays out very clear in my mind, even nearly 20 years later. It’s not because the memory is so messed up or that it was some pivotal moment in my life where I had a lightbulb shine above my head, realizing that I’m some homo. No, it’s because from that day on, I’ve had a large ‘beauty mark’ near the knob of my penis. Now honestly, I don’t remember any circumstance where I looked at my penis in great detail before this incident, but I associate that day with the day my dick got a big black beauty mark.

I went onto the 2nd grade tantalizing this poor kid. We brought our lunches from home and used our school desks as eating tables, and when most of us were done, the lunch ladies led us to the black top parking lot for recess. However, there were always some stragglers that just went out when they were done — usually, still supervised by a teacher if the teacher came back from their lounge.

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I knew how the system worked and took advantage of the situation. By this time, I was still questioning what sort of feelings I had for Rocky, but I was over the “wanting to be like him” phase and was now into “he’s so cute” phase. And for some reason, I wanted him to know this fact. So in my most anonymous handwriting on a blank, torn piece of computer paper, I wrote:

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You’re cute. Do you want to date?

I didn’t sign it. I didn’t have the balls. I folded the piece of paper twice and kept it in my pocket, biding my time. I purposely took longer to eat my lunch that day (which was easy, because my dad always overstuffed my lunchbox) and when the classroom was mostly clear of people, I did a “drive by” near Rocky’s desk and shoved it near the interior indention where you’d keep your pencils.

When we got back into the classroom after recess, my teacher looked very serious and mad. Turns out, Rocky had read the letter and started to cry. The teacher look the letter and was asking everyone in the class (with special focus on the girls) who had written the letter. With her “Eye of Sauron” not focused on me, I didn’t sweat it but felt bad that I made Rocky cry. But I wasn’t gonna fess up because he was a wimp.

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So to conclude, I honestly don’t know when I knew I was gay, but I knew I had feelings for guys at around the age of 7. Rocky had unknowingly helped me realized that my feelings were more than just admiration or ‘I wanna be like him” and more of an actual attraction. I wouldn’t admit it to this day to people who actually knows him what I’ve done, and I wouldn’t ever THANK HIM  for his service in turning me gay, but he definitely influenced me at my tenderest ages.

Who knows — maybe he’s the reason I still have a weak spot for a crying lad.

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