Answering the Awkward: Questions for a Gay Guy

Originally, I wanted to write a “## Things Gay Guys Hate to Hear,” but I was pretty sure that it’s been done. As I Google’d it, the first one that popped up was by BuzzFeed (of course) in February 2014. So in this post, I’ll just go through “20 Things Gay Guys are Sick of Hearing” and mention my feelings about them.

1. “Will you be my gay BFF?”

I’m almost okay with this, if I was specially selected. If you’re choosing me because of the lack of choices, then it’s sort of like you’re settling. I think this is the same case with BFF’s in general. It’s like saying that your mom’s your BFF only because you were home-schooled and don’t have any other options.

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2. “Don’t be so sensitive!”

I’ve never been told this in reference to my gayness. My brother use to call me a baby, but that’s more of an ‘older brother being an asshole’ sort of thing. Nowadays, I’m more considered as (obviously) sassy and a cold-hearted bitch. I can see the offense of the phrase, implying femininity and emotionally soft, but it’d be a step to showing my humanity if someone said it to me personally.

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3. “Are you sure?”

Am I sure I’m gay? Again, nobody’s said this to me, and I’m not quite sure if that’s a good thing or bad thing. During my teens, I asked myself the same bloody question, but I never really looked back after the first *ahem* penetration. So the answer is a polite “Fuck yes.”

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4. “So who’s the girl in the relationship?

This is just not polite from some people. It’s pretty much asking someone if they like anal. It’s maybe appropriate after we’ve had 3 lunch dates and 2 “Netflix and Chill”s (where we actually chill) — both activities done unsupervised. After that, I’m probably comfortable with you enough to just even volunteer the information, so don’t ask. Just wait. Until then, just imagine it to yourself.

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5. “I’m not homophobic. I totally have gay friends!”

I feel that people say this about any minority — African-Americans (black people), Asians, Red-Heads. People try to justify that they’re not ‘phobic’ towards anyone. I’m even guilty of it. But honestly, if this is your only justification, it probably means that you do have some reserve against that minority. It’s better just not said, but word vomit happens.

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6. “But you don’t look gay…”

Correct, most gay guys hate hearing this phrase. However, I don’t mind it. I know it stereotypes ‘gay,’ implying a level of flamboyance, but if they’ve only been around flaming gays, then you can’t really blame them. You can bitch about how “All gays aren’t the same! I’m going to be offended because I should!” or you can just smile and prove to them that all gays aren’t drama queens. Honestly, I take it as a compliment when people say I don’t look or act gay. It’s not because I aim to be butch, but it shows that anyone can be gay — even Dumbledore.

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7. “Why do all gay dudes talk like that?”

Nobody’s asked me this, because apparently nobody I’ve come in contact with is this stupid. It’s true that sometimes you can point out a homosexual through the sense of hearing, but ‘all gays’ don’t talk in a high-pitch lisp. It’s following the same lines as #6 in that both straight and gay guys can have this trait. I mean, look at *ahem* David Boudia.

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8. “Lifestyle”

If you’re doing the Joey Tribbiani air-quotes when you say it, then it’s obviously offensive. It’s like doing it on the word “diet” and “career.” “Oh, how’s your *diet* going? Are you going to make art, like, your *career*?” Even if you don’t air-quote it and say it with any emphasis, you sound like a bitch (passive aggressive or otherwise). If you’re genuinely asking, put actual effort in NOT emphasizing the word.

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9. “Special rights”

Special rights? Is homosexuality a modern-day disability? I know back when mental institutions performed lobotomies shamelessly, it was considered a disorder but referring the rights that most homosexuals want right now as ‘special’ makes it sound like we’re wanting rights further than what we’re deserved. I’ve never heard of a person saying this, but if people still use it, they’re really the ‘special’ ones.
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10. “No homo!”

Usually when this is said, it’s still beneficial from my point of view. You wanna kiss my cheek and say no homo? Fine. You wanna grab your teammate’s ass and say no homo? Go at it. You wanna get a brojob and say no homo? Welcome to the team. I don’t mind the phrase, and I love the situations that lead to it being said. It doesn’t offend me. If you wanna do a semi-gay thing whilst straight or you don’t wanna announce your own homosexuality, it’s not my place to scream sodomy.

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11. “How do you know you’re gay if you’ve never been with a girl?”

This question is situational, because if you’ve been with a girl, it’s a dumb question. I have never sexually been with a girl, so I guess it pertains to me. It links up to previously answered #3. I’ve debated about going all-in with a girl, but I don’t need to eat a cat to know it’s not my thing. It’s alright if the Chinese want to grill, boil or crock pot it, and it can be a fat cat, skinny cat, ginger cat, or a lion, I’m just not into it. It’s just a matter of taste. You just know.

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12. “Do you worry about going to hell?”

My Catholic side answers a simple “yes.” My mom always said that she’s worried about my soul, about her failure about being a good Catholic mom and helping my soul go up to heaven. In my heart, though, I feel that if the only thing that doesn’t follow the Catholic teachings that I don’t agree with is that I love another person with a penis, then I’m doing pretty well. And if that’s the case, I’m not that worried about hell. There’s no way of knowing who has gone to heaven and hell, but there’s a lot of people who have done a lot worst, and I think IF homosexuality is wrong, it’s in the Purgatory category.

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13. ‘But don’t you want a family?’

Yes. And? You can be gay and have a family. If you clarify and ask if I want a family where my lover and I are both passing out DNA to the child, then technically, yes. I remember reading somewhere that that’s now an actual scientific thing — a child through two daddies’ sperm. If it’s too pricy or not really in the realms of possibilities, then at least we’d pass one of our genetic material to the child. If that’s still not financially possible, then adoption is an option. Ohana means family, and family doesn’t need to be blood — just those who love you.

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14. “Do you ever get turned on by your own dick?”

I can only answer this as a gay guy. I don’t particularly pretend to know what’s in the minds of lesbians or straight females, and I can hazard a guess about straight guys, but I answer as a gay guy when I say ‘sort of.’ I’m not saying that I get off on seeing my own dick flopping around or when I hold it while pissing, but do I stare at my own dick while jerking? Yes. I think it’s a guy thing where when they’re having sex or jerking, it’s natural to get more worked up when you look at your own dick. There’s other situations where I get a woody that I find it as a normal guy things, like when you’re shaving him, maybe when you’re cleaning him in the shower, or just generally man-handling him.

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However, I don’t just look down and get hard on my own dick. I don’t snap pics of my own dick and look at it to jerk off. I don’t really even get off on most (if not all) soft dicks in general, so that’s already a negative. And if my dick’s already hard, then it’s not really turning me on, it’s just keeping the flame going so all that’s void, right?

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15. “Why do you choose that?’

Don’t ask if you really don’t want to know, and usually, you don’t wanna know. It’s a matter of opinion of whether homosexuality is a ‘nature’ or ‘nurtured’ trait. It’s meant for a longer blog and not just a Q&A blog. However, the question itself goes back to #6, 7 and 11. It’s not something that’s chosen, and it’s just about your taste. Whether you were raised to eat cat or you were born to enjoy it, it’s not a real choice you had to eat cat. It’s just the present you.

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16. “Aren’t you afraid of getting AIDS?”

Honestly, yes. When I was single, I fear it and all sexually transmitted diseases and infections. But isn’t everyone afraid to be at the receiving end of it? Ask this question to gay men if you’d ask it to your straight male friends as well, because it’s not a gay thing — it’s a human thing.

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17. “How does it… you know.. work?’

If asked condescendingly, then it’s a shitty question. But for a girl who “use to live in Africa with all the little birdies and the little monkeys,” it could possibly be a real question. I remember in the 5th grade, a male classmate asked us other guys how gay sex worked. My friend and I told him to ask his parents. Some people really don’t know, so maybe you just need to educate them a bit.

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18. “It’s not fair! Gay guys are so hot!”

The grass is greener on the other side, babes. In Sense8, it gets steamy between the gay couples and honestly, people get off on it. Straight girls like gay guys, gay guys like straight boys, and straight boys like breathing things with holes, including girls. It’s flattering when people say gay guys are hot because it narrows it down to a minority that you’re a member of being hot, so just take it. I’m all for receiving compliments.

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19. “Um, that’s a sin.”

Who are you hanging around with that says this shit? I’m Catholic and I expect hearing this from the podium, but nobody’s ever said it around me and I wouldn’t hang around with anyone that would say this. If you do hear this, knock them down their pedestal.

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20. “You’re such a jack!”

I tried Googling what this meant, with no luck. If it refers to Jack Dawson of Titanic, then um… okay. Thanks for the compliment and don’t ever let me go?

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I saw that I had answered some of the quotes instead of briefly telling you what my feelings were of them, but I wanted to justify some of them and dismiss others as being stupid. In answering some of them, I think I may make a longer post about some of them later. They’re good topics that could be asked with genuine curiosity behind it. Not everyone knows the ins and outs of the gay world, I know I didn’t when I was starting off my gay life.

As a general rule when you ask anyone anything, ask it if you’re really curious and if you’d ask it of any friend. As someone answering such a question, answer them even if they’re asking idiotically. Either way, you’d be taking the high road, or you’d educate them a bit.

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